I have made a few posts recently about my depressing feelings and they were just ignored, just like this one will be. The only difference is that this one is going to be much more detailed. Read it or don’t, but don’t expect to come out of it without a few tears.
When my momma got pregnant with me, my father told her to get rid of me or die. She kept me so he told her that if anyone ever found out he was my father he would kill us both. So she didn’t even tell me about him until a few years ago when I found out that I have 7 or 8 brothers and sisters both older and younger. This came as a very big shock to me but I can never talk to them or know anything about them because I am too scared.
A few years later, when I was about 2, we lived in some apartments and things weren’t so bad for what I can remember. The only problem is that the things I don’t remember were terrible. You see, my mom had turned into a drug head and ended up leaving me with random people she met so she could go get high. She never remembered where I was for a while but she always found me again somehow. It isn’t a time I can really remember.
From my birth until I turned 7, I have so few memories because I cannot handle remembering them. And the ones I have.. They aren’t very good. Being tied to a chair and forced to watch and listen to a brother and sister fuck in front of me when I was 5. Almost being killed by my step dad because my mom loved me. Being treated like a trash can for the first 6 years of school, literally having trash thrown at me. It was a very hard time for a kid so young but I made it through. I thought things were finally going to get better as I got older, but I was wrong.
My senior year of high school, I met this guy and fell in love with him. I literally had that feeling in my chest that you read about in stories and wish you could feel. I was happy. About a month after we started dating, I gave in and let him take my virginity. It was nothing special and I didn’t really care to do it again. But he had other ideas. For 6 months he would rape me every time he saw me no matter how many times I would say no, mentally abuse me, and even had me ready to give up college all together to sit at home and have babies. He wanted a house wife and I was that for him even though I hate the idea. I gave in and had given up on my dreams. Then my 18th birthday rolled around and I randomly worked up the courage to call him and tell him it was over. I ignored his texts and calls for a few weeks. I cried for months after.
About a year later I told my uncle about the rape. My family pushed me to go to the cops but I refused. I just wanted to forget about it. 3 years later and I’m still haunted by those thoughts. I’m a worthless shell of who I used to be and I can’t help but feel like I should have just stayed. It’s what I deserve. So I decided to go to college.
A few months before college started, I was asked out by the guy I had had a crush on since i was in Kindergarden. So we dated for 4 months but he had been lying and cheating on me the whole time. He would be on the phone with her, telling her he loved her, and then lie and say it was his mom. He would tell his dad he was going to see this other girl when he was coming to see me. He was ashamed of me and I don’t blame him. It still hurt though. So I broke it off with him, deleted every social profile I had and changed my cell number because the two guys and the girl he had cheated on me with wouldn’t stop bugging me, stalking me.
So I decided to just fake it. Pretend I was okay each day and continue on with life. But the night I broke it off with the last guy, another guy I had just met decided to stay the night with me to make sure I was okay. We started dating and have been together for 2 years in September. I should be happy but I just don’t feel it with him anymore. I love him and cannot see my life without him in it but I never get his attention, he refuses to let me be friends with guys (I don’t really get along with girls too much), and he just plays games when he isn’t working. He is a very sexual person and I’m not. So now we fight all the time about sexual things and I just want attention. Love from him. But he chooses games instead.
I’m just venting and ranting on here, being stupid. But my point is that I’m tired of fighting this urge to die, to just end it all.
I’ve been helping a friend fight it for a few weeks now and I’m just to the point where I have spent all of my energy on him and I just want to quit myself.
I can’t seem to find the blades and that is the only reason why I haven’t.
But I want to so bad.
I’m tired of having the images of what Jesse did to me senior year haunt my mind day and night, waking and sleeping. i’m tired of feeling pointless, worthless, ugly, fat, disgusted with myself. I’m utterly repulsive and I want it to stop.
But I can’t.
Because I don’t have anything to do it with.
I’m alone. My friend has his own problems to deal with and I can’t bother him with this because I refuse to. My grandparents still talk to me but hate that I am pansexual (let’s just say bi). My momma never calls. My boyfriend loves his games more than me. And no one else is there. I’m alone and it just seems to back up my thoughts.
There is no reason for me to be here, so why shouldn’t I just go?
There is no reason.
I should just leave.
End it all.
I should go home to the stars in the sky.
At least there I can be beautiful.